My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
real
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching