My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
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“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn鈥檛 clean your clothes if you don鈥檛 push the start button.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat鈥檚 paw] Ignore him鈥攈e鈥檒l never understand love.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Moderation is good as long as you don鈥檛 overdo it.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine鈥檚 Day.
My sister鈥檚 birthday cake 馃ぃ
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃