My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
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My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I’m Sold!
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.