My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.