My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.