[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀