Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Meanwhile in Canada…

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.