[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Room with a view.
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.