[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
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Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
It’s on my to-do list.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
X-tra spooky blend
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.