[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
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ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
had to share :’)
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated