Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant