[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Risking my life for fun.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Holy crap this is wonderful
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*