Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?