Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE