[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.