My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
