My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Watermelon Boss!
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Yes, this is exactly right
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?