My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
How many? 🤔
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale