My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.