My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
step 6: release the wall snake
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real
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
im all 3
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I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
This hospital has everything
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THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.