My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!