My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.