My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Why font matters.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.