My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Webb. James Webb.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body