Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever