My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
hello pervert is such a strong opener
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*