Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent