Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

tis the season

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

eggs benadryl

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.