Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.