Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

this FaceApp is creepy af

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick