My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.