My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Breaking news:
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Stonehinge
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.