Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…