coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.
You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
I bought six pet carrots a couple weeks ago, and already four have died.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called