my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames