my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

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coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name


request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty


Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.


You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic


Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.


WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?


Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.


Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.