@what_eve_r

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

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@jonnysun

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

@ch000ch

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

@TCKMed

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.

@JeremyKCMO

You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic

@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@TheHatStore

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@Marcmywords2

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.