my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Writing, She Murdered.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.