My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
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[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
The government even made aliens boring
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
weaknesses
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).