My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
The Book. The Movie.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.