My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
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“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same