Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Merica.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

🤣

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”