My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
What about a To-Don’t List?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
With a text.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.