My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
How I like cutting carbs
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*