My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
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You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
so weird how every mom was born today
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.