Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Money is the root of all wealth

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening