My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
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I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger