My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
You Might Also Like
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.