My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
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How to wake up a Beagle
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!