Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Camel dough

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

😂👽

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

(True)

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.