Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Carpe DM

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

💻🤡

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.