Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

🤣😈🤣

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Dr: do you eat healthy?

Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales

Dr:

Me: the hummuses

Dr: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

Dance like you’re not the father

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.