Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.