My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.