Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Sunday

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]