My autocorrect changed epi to epic so this death is gonna be awesome.

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Her: How do you like your eggs?

Me: Wrapped in foil by Cadbury.


Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.


I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.


Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.


If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.


[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police


Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.


Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.


My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.


I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.