My autocorrect changed epi to epic so this death is gonna be awesome.

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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business


At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.


If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?


If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn’t even have lights at the Super Bowl.


The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.


Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that


PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?


[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather


My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.