Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
You Might Also Like
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
When ur friends with white people
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style