My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”