My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Life Hacks” by Lizzie Borden is my favorite self help book.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
A small tragedy.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Good boy 😂😂
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name