Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Florida be like…

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.