My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”