My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
mood
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
