Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

🤣

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.