My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
i can’t wait that long
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness