My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.