My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
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Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.