Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

❄️

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.