My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
dude it’s called proctologist
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
sweet dreams💖
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head