Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

This is painfully accurate 😅

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.