Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.