My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
it’s finally my moment to shine
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.