My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
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that’s just… not what monogamy means??
I’m already scared
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”