My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day