My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
When your diet is finally over.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.