My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”