My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Guys, I found it.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?