Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.